Intentionally Human

“Roth.”

He sits up and takes a minute to open his eyes.  When he does, the light is a bit harsh but he still manages to make-out Sara’s arm crossed silhouette.  What, he says but he’s not 100 percent sure if maybe he just said it in his own head.  He tries again just to be safe: “What?”

“What are you doing?”

Roth realizes she isn’t standing with her arms crossed.  Sara is holding Scotty and looking at Roth with one eyebrow up.

“Did you drink all these beers?” Sara points to the trashcan full of cans.

Roth takes a minute to test run his mouth and tongue a few times and realizes that horrible taste must be the product of all those cans. “I think I did.”

“Why?  Did you just get up in the middle of the night and decide it was time to tie one on?”  Sara laughs a little at her own joke and moves to the cabinets to get some formula and a bottle down.  Scotty is making more sounds than Roth remembers from before the accident.  He looks so much bigger already, but for some reason the morning formula prep brings a smile to Roth’s face and he loses himself for a second just watching Sara do her morning routine.  “What’s on your schedule today,” Sara says breaking up the silence without noticing it had formed.

“I don’t really know.  I guess there are some things I should do but I’m not really sure what they are.  I just keep thinking about how to get my stuff back.  I have to do it before they get it.”

“Who?”

“The same bastards that put me in the hospital.  The guys that are trying to a hold of Coleman’s design.”

“Whoa.  Where did you get all this from?  When I went to bed last night, it was woe-is-me Roth and this morning it’s their-out-get-me Roth.  What gives?”

“I had a dream last night and it all makes sense now.  The car accident.  Coleman’s death.  The missing plans.  Everything.”

“Did you just say Coleman’s death?  And what missing plans?”

“It’s all about to happen Sara.  They’re coming for me”

“You seem amazingly calm for a man being hunted.”

“Mock me if you want, but you’ll see.  But I know something they don’t.  I know they are out there.”

“I think you’re the one that’s out there.  You want some breakfast?”

It felt good to be back in his own bed, so why wasn’t he sleeping.  Toss and turn; toss and turn.  Roth couldn’t get comfortable and it wasn’t the leg that was bothering him.  Staring at a dark ceiling gets old after a couple hours, so Roth decides to get up.  Unfortunately, his newly acquired bum leg and his lack of depth perception from his dim eye make simple things like getting out of bed in the middle of the night a real challenge.

“What are you doing?” Sara says without turning or opening her eyes.

“Nothing.  I’m just going to check on Scotty.  Go back to bed.”

“He’s fine.  Don’t go messing with him or you’ll wake him up.”

“I know.”

Some more noises that could have been words drift from Sara’s direction, but Roth has no clue what they were. “What?”  No response.  “What?”  Still no response.  Roth reaches over to rub her arm but he loses his balance and stumbles onto  the bed and pokes Sara in the side of the neck accidentally.

“Jesus, Roth!  What the hell?”

“Sorry, I was just asking what did you say.”

“I said, I’m going back to bed.  Gosh.” With a huff, Sara grabs the end of the blanket and rolls back to facing away.

After what felt like a longer time than he thought it should take, Roth manages to get out the bedroom door and into the hall.  To drag or to hobble, that’s the true concern of a man with a bad leg.  He decides the hobble might be a bit quieter as he shuffles passed Scotty’s room.  Down the hall and into the kitchen.  He’s not hungry or thirsty.  He’s not really anything, but sleep just isn’t happening.  Roth feels like he’s jet-lagged.  Just awake and he doesn’t know why.  He decides to have a beer.

As he sits in the dark drinking a beer by himself in the middle of the night, Roth can’t help but wonder if this is the kind of thing others might frown upon.  Oh well.  Screw’em.

“Thank you for calling…”

“Hi.  Yah, is Bobby there?”  Roth realizes he is pacing and biting his nails.  Why is he so nervous?

“Who should I tell him is calling?”

“Frank.” Roth figures he better be safer than sorry just in case Lester is around.  He doesn’t want any one to know he is trying to get his stuff back today.

“Ok.  Please hold Roth, I mean Frank.”

“Thanks Pam.”  Dumbass, Roth tells himself.  Why would someone he has talked to every work day for the last ten years not recognize his voice.

“This is Bobby.”

“Hey Buddy, I was starting to think you were dodging me.”

“Uh huh, I’m pretty busy Roth.  What’s up?”

“I haven’t talked to you since I got out of the hospital and all you have to say to me is ‘What’s up?’”

“Yah dude.  I’m at work dumb shit.  So either you need something or I’m just gonna hang up and get back to work before you get me fired too.”

“Wow buddy, thanks for going out on a limb for me.  I wouldn’t want you to piss of your ol’ pal Lester.”

Click.

“Hello?” It took Roth a few seconds to register that his best friend had just hung up on him.  Guess that ‘Lester’ comment was a little uncalled for, but seriously the guy needed to loosen up a bit.  Roth didn’t remember Bobby being such a tight-ass before, but I guess things must have changed around the shop since he was gone.  They probably got some new prick in there as a shift manager and he’s got all the mechs dancing on egg shells.  That’s got to be it, right?  Surely Roth hadn’t done anything to piss Bobby off while he was in the hospital.

“The bitch of having friends is having to put up with your friends,” Roth mumbles to himself as he hangs up the phone and limps his way into the next room.

“We’re home,”  Sara announces as Roth hears the familiar sounds of unloading keys and kid at the door.

“I’m in the kitchen,”  Roth says as he pushes off the counter and hobbles toward to doorway.  “how was the store?”

“Not much new there.  I picked up some steaks.  Thought you might want something a little different from that hospital food.  What time you want to eat dinner?”

“Hey, no need to shout.  I’m right here.  Hey buddy,” Roth waves to Scotty and receives the gratuitous round of spitting and sputtering.  “What are you going to do now?”

“Well, I just walked through the door so I thought I’d come in the house.”  Sara knows he is going to ask for something, but she pretends to not notice.

“Uh, would you mind running me up to the shop?”

“Are you serious?  You have been home all of two minutes and you already want to go to work.  Relax Roth, there ain’t nothing there for you that ain’t gonna be there for you in a few days.  Besides, the doctor said you should try to keep your blood pressure down, which means no stress.  That means no garage for a t least a few days.”

“I need to clear out my locker.”

“Roth, seriously, we just got home.  Here.  Get Scotty out of the chair and let me put away the groceries.”

“We can just chuck the steaks in the frig and Scotty’s all ready to go out as is.”

“No Roth.  You need to sit down and prop that leg up.”

“Why won’t you take me, it’s just like a five minute ride.”

“Damn it Roth, what the hell?  What’s so damn important that you got to go right now?”

“I got to get my locker stuff.”

“You mean to tell me you’re this bent on going to retrieve some work shirts and shoes?  Nah.  I don’t buy it.  What gives?”

“I need to get the things I left in my locker before they chuck’em.”

“Roth, you been in the hospital for two months.  What makes you think they’re going to chuck your stuff?”

“I got fired.”

“What?” Sara stops on her way to the kitchen and turns around to look at Roth as he works his way down to the ground to look at Scotty.  “What do you mean you got fired?  You’ve been home for less than a day, and they called to tell you you’re fired?  What kind of shit is that?”

“I called Lester to ask him when I could come down and get back to work and he fired me on the phone.”

“What do you mean you called Lester? I thought you said you were going to wait till you could go down there and see him in person.”

“I was going to, but I guess I just got a little anxious.”

“And you mean he just answered the phone and said ‘You’re fired’.”

“Pretty much.  So now I think he is going to chuck my stuff.”

“But if he said you were already fired, what makes you think he hasn’t already chucked your stuff.”

“‘Cause Bobby would have told me.”

“Hey Lester.  Yah, I’m home now.  Just got out this morning.  Haven’t quite figured out what to do about things yet, but just wanted to check in with you and see what the word was.”

“Well, the word is your fired Roth.” Lester’s voice had an upbeat rhythm to it.  “I thought you knew that already.  I mean I hate to have to rehash this for you but you haven’t been to work in over two months.”

“I was in the hospital jackass.  Of course I haven’t been to work.”

“Well, Roth.  That sounds unfortunate, but I’m running a business here and we can’t just stop doing business just because you got a little banged up.”

“A little banged up?  A little banged up! Look here you prick, you guys knew where I was and you knew I couldn’t come in.  You can’t fire me because I was in the hospital.”

“Now you listen very closely Roth because I’m only going to say this one more time.  You weren’t fired for being in the hospital.  You were fired for not coming to work for over two months.”

“You squirmy little bastard.  I am going to bust your face open the next time I see you.  You hear me you little prick!”

Click.

Roth stayed hunched over the counter white-knuckle gripping the phone and panting.  Spit connected the mouthpiece to his lip.  Tears threatened to escape his eyes, but the heat of his temper seemed to burn them up as soon as they began to roll.  He froze there for a full minute before hanging up the phone.

Surely there is some kind of illegality to this.  Surely this is the kind of thing the law is supposed to protect workers from, Roth thought.  You can’t work somewhere for over a decade and then get fired for being put in the hospital.  This is America.  Surely they can’t do this.  “I should sue their asses,” Roth whispered to himself as he hung up the phone and eased back into the kitchen chair.

This thought gave Roth a momentary lapse of relief, but the reality soon returned.  Suing is for the rich or the shameless, and Roth was neither.

Sara and Scotty would be back from the store any minute now.  Roth sat and thought about the conversation.  He had meant to call and finesse Lester into letting him come done and talk about returning to work.  That was of course not the outcome, but Lester was always against Roth anyway.  Why hadn’t Bobby told Roth how things had gone down at the garage.  They had talked about work, but Bobby had always just said, “Same shit different day around there.”  Roth wondered who they had gotten to replace him and what about the stuff in his locker?  It’s not worth risking an assault charge just to retrieve some work-boots and a couple of pairs of pants.

But retrieving the plans to the Tacker; that would make it worth it.  The phone conversation had been a bad sign.  Maybe he should just ask Bobby to get his stuff for him.

“Thanks for coming to get me.”

“What?”

“Thanks for coming to get me, at the hospital today.”

“I had a choice,” Sara says with deadpan inflection.

“You didn’t have to if you didn’t want to.”

“You’re right.  I really had a hard time deciding whether to go to the mall today or pick up my husband from the hospital after his two month stay.  Yup, Roth.  I can definitely see how that may seem like a very hard choice to some people.”

“I’m just trying to say I appreciate you coming to get me.  You don’t have to be a dick to me just because I’m trying to pay you a compliment,” Roth says as he turns and stares out the passenger window.

“You’re just trying to start a fight Roth.  I don’t know why, but I haven’t done anything to you.  You don’t need to be pissed at me or at Scotty or at any of your friends because we didn’t do this to you Roth.  You want to be angry at someone, then be pissed at yourself for getting involved in that stupid scheme in the first place.”

“It’s not stupid.  You always say everything I do is stupid just because I am pushing the limits unlike every other jackass around here and…”

“Lower your voice.”

Roth stops talking and looks back at Scotty asleep in his car-seat behind them.

“That’s first time he’s smiled in his sleep since you been gone and you’re not going to mess that up for him by bitching about how sorry you feel for yourself.”

“I’m not feeling sorry for myself.”

“Let it go Roth.  It’s over.  I know you’re hurting and you feel cheated but you have to suck it up.  If you let this consume you then Scotty is going to have to see that and it will hurt him.  He’s just a baby Roth.  He can’t tell the difference between when you’re pissed at him and when you’re pissed at others.  He’s happy to see you again.  He missed you.  So take all that anger you’ve been farming on that hospital bed and chuck it out the window because there are only bad things that can come from it.”

“What am I supposed to do now?  I worked my ass off on that thing, and someone just came and took it from me like I was meaningless or something.”

“What?  You worked on it for a few weeks and you got stiffed 500 bucks.  Does it suck? Yes.  Is it worth obsessing about? No.”

“It just makes me feel cheated.”

“So what?  Everyone is cheated.  Hell, some people get cheated on a daily basis.  I’m thankful for the effort you put in to this, but it’s over now.  Just let it go.  Focus on the things that are important.  Focus on what you have in front of you.”

“How am I supposed to do that, with this one eye I can barely see what’s in front of me.” Roth smiles at his own weak attempt at humor.  Sara glances over and sees Roth’s signature smile sans his left-side teeth.  She rolls her eyes and smiles too.

“Besides, if you’re so pissed about losing that contraption, why don’t you just build another one.”

I’m getting out of the hospital today.  I just keep laying here staring at the ceiling tiles and thinking, I’m getting out of the hospital today.

I don’t know how to feel about it.  Doctors say I’m lucky to be alive.  Sara says she’s excited to see me come home.  Scotty says he misses me.  I say everything has changed, and I don’t recognize what is going on anymore.  One minute everything is going along smooth and steady.  There I was, with a project under my belt and some dollars soon to be in my hand.  Then the blink of an eye and all that jazz.  Bam. Reset back to square one.

Actually, I don’t even know if I’m at square one.  I guess technically, I’m a little further back than that.  My truck’s gone.  My job is probably gone.  Now I have a bum leg, a darkened eye and shit for dexterity.  All for 500 bucks that I didn’t even get.  All because I tried to better myself.  Better my family.  There are crackheads and all these other degenerates out there getting ahead, making money, enjoying the spoils of life; but not me, right?  This is what I get ?  Huh?  I try to do something simple; something good, and this is what I get.  A damn bum body and a wasted life.

I’ve been laying here for months and today I’m getting out, but I’m just pissed.  I know I should be happy.  “You’re alive.  You should be thankful for that,” right?  Of course that’s what a damn doctor would say.  My living is their success.  Besides, they’re doctors.  They don’t know about being broke and how shitty my life is going to be now that I can’t work and I can’t provide.  I’m just supposed to go home and be thankful I’m alive?  I can’t feed my family on I’m-alive.  I can’t buy diapers for my son on I’m-alive.  Shit, if I had died in the accident, at least they would have gotten the life insurance money.  But no; I’m alive.

Sara won’t tell me anything.  Honestly, I think she is still too upset to process this.  The cops were a joke.  They tried their hardest to pin the accident on me.  I got sideswiped and its my fault?  Where’s the justice in that?  I was doing what I was supposed to.  I did my job and I was where I was supposed to be and I was following the rules and I got burned.  For what?  And now they want to make it look like it was my fault?  Like I did something wrong here.  Protect and Serve?  Serve who?  Clearly it ain’t me they were serving.  Clearly it ain’t me and my family that is getting the protection here.

I followed the rules, and it got me a bum leg and a burned-out eye.  I did what I said I would, and somebody decided none of that mattered anymore.  I did my part, and then someone just came and took it away.  Somebody did that to me; to my family.

I’m getting out today, and somebody owes me some answers and 500 bucks.

As you may have noticed, I have been on a break for a few weeks now.  The story is starting to come together nicely, but I wanted to take a little time off to let the enthusiasm and ideas refresh for this project.  I shall return at an undetermined future date.  For now, feel free to take what I have written and write your own entries.  -mr.Lou

It’s daytime now.  I don’t even have to open my eyes to notice that.

“Rob?” The voice is unfamiliar but gentle sounding.

I try to moisten my throat but it is so dry that any saliva I muster is instantly absorbed.  Instead, I try to open my eyes and succeed in sustaining a small slit.  I can see the silhouette of a woman in powder blue holding something.  A clipboard, maybe?  She appears to be writing something. I manage to make a sound that is meant to be a word but comes out more like a grunt.  The woman stops writing and leaves the room.  Maybe I scared her off with my grunt, I joke to myself.

The pain behind my eyes is very low now, but the brightness of the window makes it tough to open my eyes passed a squint.  The door is open again and the familiar squeaking of shoes returns.  Now two women have returned and one of them is rolling my head to the side and pulling on my eyelid.  Damn, its bright in here, but my efforts to resist are useless.

“Hello?  Rob?  I’m Dr. Peters.  You were in an accident.  Can you tell me your name?”

I try to speak again but my mouth is too dry.  I try to say the word water again.  It just sounds like air escaping.

“See Doctor.  That’s what I was talking about.  I think he wants water,” the other woman says in a subjective tone.

“Okay, but just a little with the eye dropper.”

The feeling of the water hitting my lips is magical.  It feels hot and cold at the same time and I can feel the moisture being soaked away quickly by my chapped mouth, but now my lip can move just a little bit more.  I use my newly regained mobility to open my mouth a little more.  The cool hits my tongue and it is freed from its trapped state against my teeth.  The return of life to my mouth is stunning.  I feel it come to life.  I begin to shape words but my throat is not yet ready to emit sounds.  I manage to squeak out the word “more.”

“Okay nurse.  Give him a sip and keep me posted on any further progress.”  The doctor leaves as the nurse raises a cup toward my lips.

“You heard the doctor.  Just a sip now.”

It’s like a tidal wave and I gleefully ride it all the way down my throat.  I can feel life and movement returning.  I close my eyes to enjoy the moment.

“There you are.  Is that better?”

“Yes.”  I say.  It comes out soft and familiar in my own voice. “Roth.  Roth.  Burke.”

“Roth Burke?  Is that your name?” the relief in her voice mirrors my own.

“Yes.”

“Mr. Burke, you were in an accident.  You are in recovery here at the County Medical.  Do you remember anything?  Is there anyone you would like to contact?”

“Sara.”

It feels like a subtle current of electricity is flowing through my body, but anytime I move it spikes into a shock.  I remember talking on the phone with Coleman on speaker then the accident.  It was a solid full forced t-bone, but the thing is it came out of no where.  I know that all accidents are unexpected, right.  That’s why they are called accidents.  This was a little more unexpected than usual.

So now I am laying here and it takes every effort of my body to open my eyes.  The punishment for opening my eyes is a sudden sharp pain at the back of my head.  The light in here is not intense, but I can barely stand it.  It’s not even daylight.  I try to open my eyes again, and this time I gut it out enough to see some wires and a television mounted in the corner.  I can here a beeping, and I wonder if it is my heart.

I hear the door open and the quick squeaks of shoes.

“Hello?” she says in a soft but direct voice.  “Can you hear me?”

I feel my mouth open but it is like masking tape inside.  My tongue is stuck to my teeth and I realize that my jaw feels like someone hit me in the face with a roll of quarters.  It is too much for me to open my eyes and my mouth at the same time.

“Do you know where you are?” she says in the same steady and direct tone as if she is cold reading a script but not actually trying to infuse any emotion.

I just lay here and feign sleep.

“Can you tell me your name? You were in an accident sir.  We need to know your name.  Is there anyone you would like us to contact?”

I try with all my strength to say “Roth Burke” but it comes out sounding like “rob” and it zaps my energy.  I lose my grip on consciousness again.